Time passes

 Clearly it's been a good few years since I last posted here. To be blunt, I completely forgot it existed. Life has changed dramatically for me.

The pregnancy I referenced was completed. He's a handsome, brilliant fourteen year old. His mother and I split up. I moved back home and have been in Salem ever since. I wish I weren't, but that's how things go sometimes. Wasn't it Vonnegut who said, "So it goes."

So why am I digging up this old fossil?

I want to talk to Brandon-who-lived-in-Olympia-back-then. I'll say my say and I don't know if I'll ever post here again.

It's a little like deja vu reading your writing, Brandon. You're so articulate and earnest and trying so hard to think things through while also not showing any more of your inner life than you absolutely must. I wish you weren't as scared as you were of being seen.

Let's lay the cards on the table. You won't like it, not at all, but I can tell you that in the years ahead of you, you're going to learn the hard way that being open is frequently good.

You love too much and too easily. In some ways that's a good thing, but in others that fact teams up with your general secrecy in some truly repellent ways. Cheating on your partner isn't good, and you know it. It's too bad you don't know to try to figure out other options.

You're a writer, Brandon. You're doing that pretentious "I have no depth" thing, but the truth is, you're a writer in every sense of the word. You write. You end up being published. You're actually a damn Good writer. Not great. You're too arrogant for that, and you really need to do second and third and maybe even fourth drafts, in spite of the fact that you think you don't. Truth is, you're too close to your stories to see where they could be improved by fixing flaws. Unfortunately, I haven't grown out of that yet.

I wish I could warn you about the relationship you're in. Yes, you're loyal (in your way) and that's good, but this is not a good relationship for you and no one is saying so. You'll learn the hard way and you'll develop the emotional and mental abuse responses that you're being glib about. Sorry, bub. 

I know you don't think much of yourself. Truth be told, I don't think much of myself either. But you've got a lot to offer the world. You're charming and intelligent. You're well spoken and well read. You're aware of your lack of sophistication and you're working on it. As I said, you're deeply loyal. You hold yourself to such a high standard, though, that you don't notice all of these facts.

That's not something you're going to get better at as you get older. I'm 43 this month and I still don't pay attention to what could be my good qualities because I'm too busy focusing on where I fall short.

I guess what I want to say is that I didn't realize it until I started reading what you've written here, but I love you. I can see why and where your dad is proud of you even though I know you can't. In a lot of ways, you're still a kid, even in your mid 20s. But you've got the makings of a good man. Not sure if you make good use of those makings, but I know you're doing your best.

Talking to your past self is sort of an exercise in pointlessness, but this is the sort of stuff I wish I could say to myself.