Time passes

 Clearly it's been a good few years since I last posted here. To be blunt, I completely forgot it existed. Life has changed dramatically for me.

The pregnancy I referenced was completed. He's a handsome, brilliant fourteen year old. His mother and I split up. I moved back home and have been in Salem ever since. I wish I weren't, but that's how things go sometimes. Wasn't it Vonnegut who said, "So it goes."

So why am I digging up this old fossil?

I want to talk to Brandon-who-lived-in-Olympia-back-then. I'll say my say and I don't know if I'll ever post here again.

It's a little like deja vu reading your writing, Brandon. You're so articulate and earnest and trying so hard to think things through while also not showing any more of your inner life than you absolutely must. I wish you weren't as scared as you were of being seen.

Let's lay the cards on the table. You won't like it, not at all, but I can tell you that in the years ahead of you, you're going to learn the hard way that being open is frequently good.

You love too much and too easily. In some ways that's a good thing, but in others that fact teams up with your general secrecy in some truly repellent ways. Cheating on your partner isn't good, and you know it. It's too bad you don't know to try to figure out other options.

You're a writer, Brandon. You're doing that pretentious "I have no depth" thing, but the truth is, you're a writer in every sense of the word. You write. You end up being published. You're actually a damn Good writer. Not great. You're too arrogant for that, and you really need to do second and third and maybe even fourth drafts, in spite of the fact that you think you don't. Truth is, you're too close to your stories to see where they could be improved by fixing flaws. Unfortunately, I haven't grown out of that yet.

I wish I could warn you about the relationship you're in. Yes, you're loyal (in your way) and that's good, but this is not a good relationship for you and no one is saying so. You'll learn the hard way and you'll develop the emotional and mental abuse responses that you're being glib about. Sorry, bub. 

I know you don't think much of yourself. Truth be told, I don't think much of myself either. But you've got a lot to offer the world. You're charming and intelligent. You're well spoken and well read. You're aware of your lack of sophistication and you're working on it. As I said, you're deeply loyal. You hold yourself to such a high standard, though, that you don't notice all of these facts.

That's not something you're going to get better at as you get older. I'm 43 this month and I still don't pay attention to what could be my good qualities because I'm too busy focusing on where I fall short.

I guess what I want to say is that I didn't realize it until I started reading what you've written here, but I love you. I can see why and where your dad is proud of you even though I know you can't. In a lot of ways, you're still a kid, even in your mid 20s. But you've got the makings of a good man. Not sure if you make good use of those makings, but I know you're doing your best.

Talking to your past self is sort of an exercise in pointlessness, but this is the sort of stuff I wish I could say to myself.

Upstairs.

We have a neighbor upstairs now. This is not a terrible thing, but it is an annoying thing. I've been pondering what annoys me about it in the month since she moved in. At first I thought it was the fact that she wears boots and heels all the time and the floors, both upstairs and down, in this house are wood and tile. But no, I grew up in a house with three siblings. I'm used to noise. The first several times I took my woman to my parents house, it seemed like the noise level startled her.

It isn't that this lady is a worrywart either, although that is bothersome. Since the house was originally set up to be a single residence, with someone occasionally staying in the upstairs as a vacation/getaway home, all the utilities are tied together. When she moved in, the woman was worried because "what if the power gets shut off?" and now that the month has ended, she's asking again. That's annoying, to be having to explain that it's in no danger of being shut off because you have to fall behind in your bills before they even consider it.

What bothers me, what really gets my goat, is the front door. In our house, there is a common entryway, and then a door to the upstairs and a door to our place. The upstairs neighbor insists on keeping the front door deadbolted at all times. If you leave for three minutes (it's a long driveway, so if you want to check the mail, you're going to be outside walking for a bit), she will lock the door behind you. This is ok, in some situations, because in some situations, safety is a major concern. Say, living in downtown Seattle, or in New York City.

We live in the country outside of a smallish town. Literally, the country. You have to drive 10 miles out of town to even get to the road we live on, and you have to drive another mile on that road to get to us. Everyone out here is either related or knows each other. I grew up in a community like this, where locking your door was considered silly because the idea of a "bad guy" breaking in to get you was laughable. One of the reasons I live here is because of that feeling, that it is safe, that there is nothing to fear, except maybe joyriding teens playing mailbox-baseball. If I wanted to worry about if my front door is locked and whether the "bad guy" can get in, I'd move back into town. It's frustrating to share a building with someone who apparently enjoys living that way. I'm ready for her to move away now.

W00t for Rejection!

Three cheers for rejection!

Since last post, I've submitted my story 3 more times and caught 2 rejections I'm proud of, and this most current one, where I'm like "dude, you don't have to be a dick."

The two both said, in different words, and pointing out different parts of the story, that it was a good story, but not what they were looking for just then. I've never gotten rejections like that. I'm sorta proud to have someone I don't know saying it's plenty good enough it just needs the right home.

This latest one was rather brusk. The statement was that the story was too slow, "I stopped reading..." I know, it's their job to read stories and find the good ones. I know, it's not personal, it's business. I know, I shouldn't take it as an affront. However. There is a level of professionalism that I found lacking in that rejection. If your job is to be professional in how you both accept and turn down someone's work, you should be professional, not curt and dismissive.

Quick Turnaround

For my birthday, I got a rejection notice on my Carnival story. All things considered though, that's a good thing. My rejections have improved from form letter to editor's note (correct this part) to personal rejection (Excellent story, not for us). Maybe that's a little sad that I rate my rejections like that, but I'll take signs of improvement that I'm offered.

At this point, both of my short stories are out there waiting to come back to me, and the third short I'm re-writing before I send it back out. I've come a long way from my first attempts, I think, and I continue to improve, but I don't feel that I'm good enough yet. Except the Carnival story. That one is good enough, I can feel it in the hairs on the back of my neck.

For the moment my original world, and my original hero, has been set aside for something that feels like it may be a long form of Carnival. That doesn't make sense, I'll try again. The feeling that tells me that Carnival, of what I've done so far, is the best and is ready... that feeling exists for this new, longer story. Having written out all the short stories that were blocking my way to this bigger story, I'm ready to get back to it, finally.

Just a post...

Today I am writing a post although I don't know what I want to write about. Therefore, I will tell everyone who reads this a little about how life is for me right now.

I sell books online. That's what I'm doing for a living these days. It's fun, it pays the bills, and I get to say that I have my own business. That said, it isn't the sort of income that I would call "comfortable." It pays the bills and that's it. Any car problems or medical bills and I'm going to be in trouble. So, the car broke down twice last month, and we've got a baby on the way. Which leads to...

I'm looking for a second job. I don't want to stop doing the other, but we need more money that we have. The downside here is that getting a job is a hefty pain in the ass. Interview after interview after interview and no dice so far. It's frustrating.

There's a new story that I'm writing. So far it's going well. Very well, in fact. I'm hesitant to talk about it because I'm superstitious I might break it.

Last week my mom asked me to come down to help out with some stuff that was going on at the house. I wasn't able to, but I feel like crap about it because "wasn't able to" isn't a good enough excuse. Dad was never "not able to" when grandma asked him for help. I sorta feel like a bit of a failure there.

So, today, except for writing, I'm a bit of a failure across the boards.

Mists of Avalon - mid-read thoughts

I'm reading The Mists of Avalon, finally. My woman has been telling me for a long time that I should read it. I tried to start it more than a year ago, and couldn't get into it. This time though, I'm to the point that it's going to have to get dramatically worse in order to make me put it down. That said, it's not a pleasant book. I think that's odd because I've read other books that she claims as "favorite" and they've been good books, well-balanced, and with a good payoff.

This book feels very unbalanced to me. The list of like-able characters is Arthur (who's like-able, but obtuse and therefore comes across as unintelligent) and Merlin (who's ancient and wise and therefore incapable of base emotions, apparently.) That's the entire list of people who are easy to not hate. If you're familiar with the Arthurian saga at all, you know how big the cast of characters is. Everyone who is not faceless is so flawed as to be unlikeable, and the unfortunate thing is that there aren't enough redeeming qualities to counterbalance that problem.

Take for instance Lancelot (Lancelet in this story). He's lecherous (which is a given, because that's how the story goes), he's fickle, and he's got this weird bisexual erotic triangle going on with Arthur and Gwenhwyfar. Which is just fine if that's how you're going to play it, but everyone pretends it's not going on, or tries to manipulate each other through it. It's annoying.

Morgaine is also fairly like-able, but only because she develops a little as a character. She starts out just as spiteful as everyone else. Since she's the heroine of the story, I guess she gets to grow out of it.

My other gripe is this: Part of the story is also a religious "Cold War" style clash. That's actually kinda cool, except that the author is biased. I don't mind that either, but to have it put across so blatantly gets old. In this book, all christians are either stupid, or manipulative, or evil, or fanatical, or some combination. There are no christians who are basically good people. There are not christians who are basically misguided. There are just different levels of bad. Meanwhile, most of the druids are loving and understanding and caring and if they aren't those things, they grow into those things. It's unrealistic. Not all christians are bad people. Not all pagans are good people. However, all people are people.

Anyway, I was talking to my woman about it, and I've decided that I'm right. One of my favorite authors also has a character who's frequently doing dumb things, but one of the counterbalances for his stupidity is a friend of his who tells him when he's being stupid. This book needs several of those characters, on both sides of the fence.

I'm 400 pages into the 870 odd pages of this book, and I know, by now, if you're still reading, you're asking why I'm continuing if I'm not enjoying it that much. I'm looking for the payoff. After putting me through as much aggravation as this book has, the payoff will be spectacular. Otherwise, I just don't see how this book is so popular. So, I'll keep plugging away, because I know how it ends. All Arthur stories have one ending, and I love that ending. I want to see if Bradley can make that ending into as big a finish as she's led me to believe that she can.

You know what chaps my ass?

Today I went to the government buildings with my woman to renew her license for work. While we were waiting for the person in line in front of us to get done, I realized that there are only a few types of people in this world who can really bug the snot out of me.

The woman at the counter was trying to explain the regulations preventing the customer from getting what she wanted. The customer kept interrupting, and declaring "That's not what I was told." And when the woman would try to explain again, the customer would go "yeah yeah ok" and run right over whatever she was saying. After the third explanation the customer said, "yeah, well, whatever, I guess I'm stuck with this."

That drives me right up the wall, when people think that whatever it is that they think or they have to say is more important than anything anyone else could want to say. it's not just a matter of maturity, or of courtesy. This is a public place for renewal of professional licenses. Just from a good business practices standpoint, you should be smart enough to know you should conduct yourself as in your business capacity. Acting in any other manner than your business manner is invitation for someone to go "whoa, I don't ever want to support that business." You're inviting potential customers to go elsewhere; taking bread off your table.

Also, and this almost deserves its own separate post: "Whatever". I loath that word used in that context. It's not only a dismissal of what the person is saying, it's a dismissal of the person. "You're not important enough for me to allow you to finish speaking, at all."

I dislike rude, "whatever"ing people.

Sociological and Feminism Musings

I finished the latest book I was reading, and I picked up one of the college course-books that my woman had saved. Every now and again she tries to get me to read them, because "The anthropology book is interesting, and the sociology book has a lot of good information in it." Well, it was the sociology book I grabbed. The dust on the top shelf of a never-cleaned, thousand year old library in the desert could not be more dry.

The thing that made me want to write though, is this: Why do I react so strongly to "feminism"?

It's not that I disagree with the concept, or the practice. Yes, I do believe that in most every way, a woman is treated differently than a man. Yes, frequently this treatment is inferior. But at any time I hear someone starting on any sort of a "feminism" discussion, I tense up the way an abuse victim would at a raised hand (not that I know anything about that, having no experience with abuse myself, but it makes sense).

I think it is backlash. That's the nature of most people, I think, and me in particular. How many times can I hear about "the patriarchy", or "inequality", or how women live in "fear" of me because I might make "undesired sexual queries or advances", while still being expected not to react? I understand and agree and fully believe that some men do make women feel objectified. However, I was raised better than that, and being lumped in with those sorts just because I have a penis... well, that's the same logic that feminists complain against.

Often, I heard a theory that we've swung from one extreme to the other. Instead of oppressing women into the kitchen "where you should be barefoot and pregnant", women have pushed back hard enough, and men have given way enough that a woman doesn't really have any more choice than she used to. Now instead of "Will I go to the Kitchen or the Living Room?", the woman's choice is "Will I become a stock broker, or an athlete?" And the woman who chooses to stay home, or to take any sort of a role that could be seen as "subservient" to her husband, boyfriend, or whatever, that woman is castigated for ignoring all the battles her fore-mothers fought so that she could make her own choices (and "between the Boardroom and the Playing Field," while not stated is definitely implied.) There's no sense of balance.

I find myself rebelling against the "feminist ideal" as it is portrayed today. I don't believe that every woman belongs in the kitchen anymore than I believe that every woman belongs in the men's Clubhouse and be one of the boys. Some women do, some women don't. But the current state of feminism as it is portrayed to me says, "You're just a stupid, patriarchal, overbearing male, and you don't know, so shut up."

Which is where my tensing up comes from. I've been told so often that I'm bad because I have a penis and that my mom is bad because she chose to give up her career to raise kids that even the mention of the feminism buzzwords makes me shut down and lock up.

Why should I listen, why should I support, if the moral of the story is that I'm the enemy and any woman who doesn't chose career (or fill in the "overthrow the patriarchy" blank) is a brainwashed minion?