Things To Say...

I am sometimes not very good at stating my mind. I hold myself in such privacy that I refuse to say things that a smarter man would be quite open with. I used to think this was a quality, but I'm beginning to wonder. So, what things would I say?

I would say that I would like to be married, but that I'm scared and I think the fear is valid. I would say that I'm frustrated that I haven't the time or the money to be submitting the story for publication even though I think it is ready. I would say that I don't want to live in this town anymore; but that I don't really want to move to far away either. I would say that I think I'm very ambitious and that I lack drive. I would say that the people I care about should care less about how to pay the bills and more about how to live without regret.

Most of the things I hold in reserve are perhaps mundane and could easily be answered patronizingly, but I won't say that's why I don't say them. I don't know why I don't say them.

I would like to be married, but once bitten, I suppose. And there are places in the relationship with the girl I want to marry that neither of us will go because we can't without fighting. But I know that they will come up with marriage, especially if kids are ever involved.

The story needs published. I want to be a writer, I want to be a paid writer, I need to publish. In order to do that I have to submit, and in order to do that, I have to have a working printer, or the money to go to kinko's. I have neither of these last. So I'm frustrated. Frustrated bordering on resentful.

I want to move. Just in case there's any confusion, the city I live in (well, just outside of now) is devoid of any entertainment save what can be found in a beer glass. That may be fine for some, but not for me. That said, an hour away is a city with many things going on all the time, but the cost of living is about 3 times what we can afford. So I want to move, but I don't want to move far.

I don't care about people in general, but there are some people that are very important to me. Those specific people worry far too much about bills and not enough about life. Why slave in a job you hate to pay an electric bill? Whatever money you don't use on the bill is just going to go toward trying to forget that you hate your job, and then next month you'll be scraping for the money to pay that month's bill. Why let yourself get caught in the cycle? Live. So it's scary, so what? Scary is not a bad thing. The little death of a drudge job, however, that's the worst thing.

-Exherado